When the Sues Ruled Narnia
by wallACEwho
Summary: When two Mary Sues succeed in taking over Narnia its left to two canon loving fanfiction writers to save the day.
1. Arriving in Narnia

Authors Note: C.S Lewis owns Narnia, JealousOfTheMoon owns JealousOfTheMoon, I own everything else. For the record I will be using my identity Narnian Steward for the duration of this fic.

From the author who bought you, An Antidote to Suspian Fics, When Susan met a Mary Sue and A Day with the Pevenises, comes a tale of action,adventure, humour and many many Sues. JealousOfTheMoon and Narnian Steward star in:

**When the Sues Ruled Narnia.**

**_Diary of a Relatively Sane Author._**

**_This is the story of how JealousOfTheMoon and myself (Narnian Steward or wallACEwho if you prefer) found ourselves in a Narnia overrun by the curse of every Fanfiction writer: the Mary Sue. _**

**_To fully understand how this happened we shall have to go back to the beginning..._**

_Jenna watched at Peter rode across the screen his golden hair shimmering in the sunlight and his azure eyes glistening with love and laughter. _

_Jenna turned to her friend Melissa and sighed "Wouldnt it be great if we could, liek get into Narnia."_

_Melissa nodded, "Yeah. There the greatest movies ever. And Eddie is sooo cute."_

_"Edmund," Jenna said scowling, "Don't you mean Peter."_

_"No," Melissa replied condescendingly "Edmund is liek way hottter than Peter. He's liek a SuperEmoStud with all the brooding and stuff."_

_"But Peter is soooo chivalrious, chivalreus, knightly," Jenna said at last, "Im sure hed love me if we get together."_

_Before either of them could say any more, green smoke seeped out of the screen and surrounded the girls, knocking them out._

"Thank Aslan," I muttered "Maybe that'll shut them up. I don't think I could stand any more of that tripe." As I said this, it occurred to me that I didn't know how I actually came to be reading this so-called 'story'.

See, I like to think of myself as a person who enjoys canon. That means that I tend to stay away from self-insert stories, and I definitely don't go anywhere **near** such blatant Sue-fics. Well, not without a taser and a crossbow handy, at any rate. I had left my computer for a few minutes, and when I got back it had appeared on my screen.

I moved to close the page, only to find that I couldn't. Instead I tried to close my internet only to once again find that I couldn't. Just as I was considering turning off my computer the green smoke I had just been reading about seeped out of my screen and filled the room. After a few moments of choking (and cursing to boot), blackness filled my vision. I closed my eyes and knew no more.

* * *

When I opened my eyes I found I could see again. I was lying in a green meadow, the sound of laughter filling my ears. I rolled over and saw a girl of about average height with brown hair. She was staring up at the clouds, laughing.

"Hello," I said.

The girl looked at me. "Hello."

As she spoke, I realised I recognised her voice, "JealousOfTheMoon," I said "Is that you?"

"Do I know you?" the girl asked.

"Vaguely," I replied, "I'm Narnian Steward."

The girl smiled. "Stew1 Thank the Lion. I was beginning to think I was going to be stuck here by myself."

I rolled over and stared up at the clouds. "Where are we anyway?"

Moon shrugged, "Beats me. But it's not Kansas, I can tell you that." She cackled a little at her own joke.

"How'd you get here?" I asked, watching a cloud shaped like a dragon skitter across the horizon. Cool.

"I was on the computer and this 'Sue fic appeared on screen," Moon explained, "I tried to get rid of it, but I couldn't. I blacked out, and the next thing I knew, I was here," she looked over at me, "You?"

"The same," I said, "Sue fic, green smoke and hey-presto! here I am."

"So what do we do now?"

I stood up and pulled her to her feet. "Let's go and look around."

* * *

We walked for what seemed like hours, fording streams, stumbling through forests and doing all that quest type stuff. Eventually I found myself in a clearing and immediately stopped, Moon barrelling into me from behind.

"Why'd you stop," she moaned, rubbing her head.

I pointed at something in the centre of the clearing, "I was looking at that."

Moon pushed her way in front of me and stared, "Good gravy! Is that a...?" Her voice trailed off wonderingly.

I nodded. "Yes, it is." (And I bet you can all guess what we saw...)

Standing in the middle of the clearing, flickering merrily – yup you guessed correctly – was a lamppost. I looked at Moon, "This can't mean—"

"Are we in—?" she began.

"NARNIA!" we exclaimed simultaneously

I turned my attention back to the lamppost, "Well, this is a turn up for the books."

Moon stared, "Your telling me. It looks so."

"Much like a lamppost," I suggested.

She laughed "Yeah. But what do you suppose we're doing here?"

Before I could say anything, there was a 'pssh' sound. Turning round we both saw a very familiar –and very scared-looking– faun. "He looks just like James McAvoy." I muttered.

Mr Tumnus trotted over, and peered at us, "Would I be correct in thinking," he queried, "that you are human?"

"Yes," Moon replied. "Can we help you?"

Mr Tumnus almost jumped for joy, settling for a half of a faun-ish caper instead. "Oh, the Queens will be so pleased to see you! You must follow me," and he trotted off.

We ran to catch up, "Umm," I began, feeling a bit wary about the whole thing, "where are we going?"

"My cave, of course," Mr Tumnus replied.

"What about Cair Paravel?" Moon continued, "And why haven't you mentioned the Kings?"

Mr Tumnus stopped, and shuffled uncomfortably a bit before moving ahead again, "I think their majesties had better explain that." He refused to explain it any further.

We eventually found our way to Mr Tumnus' cave. When we walked inside, we found Lucy and Susan, seated before the fire, looking just as frightened as Mr Tumnus.

"Thank the Lion," Susan breathed when she saw us. "You're here at last."

"Yes, your majesty," I said, adding my best bow. Moon curtseyed rather clumsily beside me. She seemed to be going rather red in the face. "But, if I may make so bold as to ask, where are your brothers?"

Susan sighed, "You had better take a seat." Once Moon and I were seated, she began again. "About two months ago, these two girls appeared in Narnia."

"Very annoying girls," Lucy interjected. .

"They claimed to be ambassadors from a foreign nation, on the out reaches of the kingdom. We had no reason to doubt them."

"_I_ doubted then," Lucy mumbled.

Susan shot her a dirty look. "As I was saying, _we_ had no reason to doubt them, so _we_ made them welcome. However, within a few days a change began to fall over Peter and Edmund. They became less and less interested in the kingdom and more and more interested in our visitors. It was almost as if they became enchanted."

"That's because they _were!_ Those girls were witches," Lucy cried, "Evil witches."

Silence fell after that outburst. Eventually Moon spoke, "Can you tell us what happened. Why are you not at the Caer?"

"Well," Susan said, "About two weeks ago, Edmund and Peter announced that they were going to marry these girls and to cut a long story short the wedding happened a week ago. Immediately the girls set themselves up as Queens."

"But Narnia can only have two Kings and two Queens," I pointed out, "The prophecy says so."

Lucy scowled, "We know that. But according to these….things, the prophecy never said that it had to be two brothers and two sisters. They said that as they were married to Peter and Ed, they took precedence over Su and me. Then they kicked us out."

Moon looked flabbergasted, "But didn't Peter and Edmund object?"

Lucy's scowl grew larger, "Of course they didn't. Since those _girls_ arrived, it's been all "yes Jenna, of course not, Jenna" and "yes Melissa, of course not, Melissa."

* * *

Moon and I looked at each other, "Can you describe these girls." I asked.

"Well, they're tall," Susan said, "yet somehow unnaturally curvy. They've got blonde hair that I'd swear is fake, and blue eyes that are always changing shades. And don't get me started on the obnoxious giggling..."

"Ten second memory?" Moon put in, looking as though she'd just had an important realization.

Lucy nodded, "They spent the whole time calling me Lisa."

Moon looked worried and I finally realised what was going on. "I think I know what's happened," I said.

"_We_ know what's happened," Moon corrected, giving me a slight nudge.

"What?" Susan and Lucy demanded, "Tell us."

"You appear to be suffering from a Mary Sue infestation." Moon said.

"Mary Sue?" both sisters looked confused. "Their names are Melissa and Jenna," Susan emphasized.

"Their specific names aren't important," Moon waved Su's last comment away with a hand. "A Mary Sue is – well, like a species – they come in all sorts of names and shapes, but at heart they're all the same: _bad news."_

The sisters still looked confused, so I coughed and backed up a bit in the explanation.

"A Mary Sue is a particularly hardy breed of Fanfiction character," I explained, "They tend to be unusually good looking, pretty much perfect in everyway and try to convince a main character, to fall in love with them."

"They are also very very annoying," Moon said, "And very hard to get rid of."

"What can we do?" Susan asked, "We spoke to Aslan and he said he'd send help."

"And he has," I replied, "Moon and I happen to be rather good when it comes to combating Sue's. We've seen practically every type in existence."

"So you can help us?" Lucy queried hopefully.

"Certainly," Moon said, "Just show us where they are and we'll deal with them as quickly as possible."

Lucy coughed, "It might not be as easy as that."

I looked at her, "Why?"

"Well, you see, while _we_ found them very annoying, not everyone else did. In fact most people loved them."

"You mean... we'll have the whole of Narnia against us?" Moon asked slowly.

"That's about the shape of it."

"Oh well," I said, mostly because the three of them – _girls!_ – looked a bit worried. Couldn't let morale get low, after all. "If that's the case, we'd better get started" So after packing what few provisions and equipment we could find (Tumnus was most kind in volunteering the contents of his larder), Moon and I set out to rid Narnia of two particularly successful Mary Sues.

Successful? Ha! Not for long...

_**So that's how it all began. With no plan and very little help, Moon and I left to combat the Queen Sues. Little did we know what was lying in wait for us, nor how much running we would have done before everything was over. **_

* * *

Please Review. It helps me improve.


	2. An Encouter with Unicorns

Authors Note: Sorry for the delay folks. Hopefully it will be worth it. As usual I own nothing except the plot. Thanks go out to Moon who looked over this and made some recomendations.

**An Encounter with Unicorns.**

**_Diary of a Relatively Sane Author._**

**_So there we were, Moon and I, trudging (no one uses the word trudging any more have you noticed? Pity, for 'tis a good word) though the woods of a Sue possessed Narnia, when we came across our first hindrance…_**

"Moon," said I, as we wandered by the banks of the Beruna, (which was for some inane reason now a deep pink and surrounded by fairy-filled grasses), "I just thought of something."

She looked up and asked, "What?" She pulled another sugary leaf of a nearby tree and chewed on it expectantly. Apparently a 'Sue-ified Narnia had _some_ perks...

"Well," I said, "I was wondering, how _exactly_ did these—" I paused, trying to think of away to describe a Sue. I settled for a less strong term: "—_creatures_ come to rule Narnia, anyway?"

Moon sighed and discreetly coughed out the remains of a leaf off to one side. "The Queens told us. They married the Kings and took over."

"I know that," I replied, "but the point is: how were they able to do all that? A Sue is only as powerful as the 'author' makes them. It would take a very smart author to contrive and enforce a plot as radically different from canon as this."

"But 'Sue authors aren't smart—" A look of realisation crept over Moon's face. "Hey! If they aren't smart, then—?"

"Exactly," I said, smiling, "They have the brain capacity of a gnat, which explains the bad spelling and the constant misuse of grammar but leaves the question: where did these two Sues find an author smart enough to get a story to this conclusion without some like you, or I, or Lady of Stormness Mountain finding it and shutting it down?"

Moon's face turned serious as she pondered this. "We'll ask them," she said. "Right before we tear their heads off." The latter prospect seemed to make her somewhat more cheerful, for her face brightened a bit with it and a bounce came into her step.

**_

* * *

_****_While Moon and I were going over this, in the marble halls of Cair Paravel (now made of sparkling purple-and-pink brick and covered in sickly pink tapestries) the so-called 'queens' were discussing a very important matter. US. (You may be wondering how I know this as I was several miles away, but it's my story so go with it)._**

"Theyve liek arivd," Jenna said, storming into the throne room and collapsing onto her (pink) throne. She wore a sulky look on her face.

"How do u no?" Melissa asked, looking up from her magazine.

"Liek bcuz that woman who brout us her, liek u no teh authoress, sedd so."

"Wat r u so wurrid bout?" Melissa asked. "Its not liek theyre prblem."

"But tehy liek luv cannon," Jenna pointed out, slamming her hand onto her arm-rest. A cloud of pink dust rose in response, and the guard behind the thrones took one whiff and collapsed. "Theyll kill uss an throw us bak in2 teh void," she paused, then added dramatically: "or..._worse_."

Melissa stared at her. "Wat cud b worse than teh void????"

Jenna shuddered. "Lotsa thingz. tehy mite send uss 2 anuthr fandom. We liek mite end up being pared with ... liek ... Gimli."

Melissa cringed, but then shook her head. "But u forget sumthing, we have two hawt kings an a hole kingdom undr our controll." She clapped her hands, "eddykins!!!1!" she called, "cud u cum her pleez sweetums????"

There came the sound of running feet, and then King Edmund the Just burst into the room, a manic grin plastered across his features, "Yes, my Angelic Pumpkin?" he responded, giving a foppishly elaborate bow and nearly falling flat on his own nose. "What does thine heart desireth?" (It almost makes me sick writing this, but that's what it was like).

Melissa smiled sweetly, and ran a hand through Edmunds hair, "cupcake, their are a couple of nasty nasty people, down by the pink river, who want to hurt me. u wouldn't want that would you?"

Edmund shook his head, the look of a besotted puppy still evident on his face, "Of course not, my dear muffin-heart," he said, "What wouldst you have me do?"

"Just send a couple of creatures out there to deal with them. Do that and I'll..." (The latter part was whispered loudly, but its best negated. Trust me: if you were to read what she'd offered you would want to rip your own eyes out. Its better you don't know.)

Edmund nodded, and immediately rushed off to issue the order. As he left, Jenna clapped her hands, and began to bounce up and down. "Yay," she squeaked, "Now we can get on with having those statues of ourselves put up."

_**

* * *

**__**Back at the river, Moon and I were taking a long deserved rest and planning how to dispose of these rather bothersome Sues.**_

"We could run them over," Moon suggested. "Squashed 'Sues are always fun, although the pink goo smells rather foul and the grass won't grow on the spot for a few months."

"Run them over? With what?" I countered.

She thought for a moment. "A cart? You know, the old 'Oops-I-was-holding-on-and-accidentally-let-go-downhill-right-over-where-you-were-standing' ploy."

I shook my head. "Nope. How would we get hold of one in the first place?"

"We could borrow one," she prompted, looking a little devious. "Bree-style."

I narrowed my eyes. "Steal it, you mean."

She shrugged and nodded, "Basically."

"Nope," I replied, "No theft."

Moon began picking daises, "But perhaps—if it's for the good of Narnia..."

"No," I said firmly, "No theft."

"All right," She scowled a bit, "Mind you, I don't like Bree's way of borrowing things myself, but we've got limited resources here and so it just might come down to that. I'm just trying to be practical." (For some reason, 'No, you were trying to be smart' came to my mind automatically...) She chewed on a piece of grass contemplatively and then gagged, flinging it away from her. "Ew. Bubble-gum flavoured." She gave me an apologetic look. "Sorry. Straying a bit there. What would you suggest?"

I rolled over and looked at the clouds, (now fluffier than ever before and taking the shape of fairies and other 'cute' things). Nothing deadly and inspiring seemed to be there, so eventually I gave up looking and sighed, "We could just hit them over the head with something heavy."

"Like what?"

"What ever comes to hand, I suppose. Sue skulls are quite soft."

Moon shrugged and nodded. "I guess it'll have to do. Although, you'd think... if Aslan really wanted us to get rid of these Sues, he could have at least supplied us with the means to do it."

I sighed and stood up, "Well, he didn't, or hasn't yet—not that I can tell, at any rate. Now we'd better get going again."

As we began to pass through the woods again, there was the sound of clopping hooves. Moon turned round and blanched. Following her gaze I stared as a group of purple and pink unicorns emerged from the trees.

"By the Lion's Mane," Moon muttered.

"It's like an episode of Charlie the Unicorn," I said, eying up the unicorns warily.

"Stop," one of the unicorns trilled, "You may go no further."

Moon laughed, "Come on guys," she said, "Just let us through. We're on a mission for Aslan."

In response the unicorns all lowered their horns, and began to paw at the ground, "We served the Queens," the unicorn said, "Now go back. Better still, we'll help you go back by killing you."

"Well, they don't spend much time beating 'round the bush, do they?" she laughed falsely. I rolled my eyes.

"'Mission for Aslan' really convinced them, nice work," I muttered.

"How was I supposed to know it wouldn't work?" she replied, then smacked her forehead. "Of course. Look at the horns—bright pink. Nothing Narnian about them." She continued to berate herself, muttering until I elbowed her.

The unicorns began to move forward, horns down for skewering and hooves rearing for trampling. A few more minutes and we'd be finished. I looked towards the heavens, "Aslan," I whispered, "Little help."

No sooner had the words left my mouth, than my arm suddenly began to droop from the weight of something in my hand. Looking down, I saw that I was now holding a glistening sword. I looked at Moon, expecting to see her armed with a bow and arrow. Instead she had a Morningstar clasped in her hand.

"No bow," she looked more than faintly relieved. "Always been rubbish at aiming, I have," she confessed. "But _this_ will do nicely. Okay, boys," she faced the unicorns, "Bring it on."

The unicorns charged, and within a few minutes a full-scale battle had begun. I chopped at everything that moved. Beside me, I could see Moon bringing her mace down on the heads of several pink unicorns. But no matter how many we killed more seem to appear as if from no-where.

"It's hopeless," I called; as Moon whirled pass me, "There's too many."

"I know," she replied, "But we don't have much choice. I refuse to be gored by a pink unicorn. It's too much of a cliché, not to mention I don't want to die smelling of bubble-gum."

Suddenly there was the sound of a horn, and an armoured four legged shape burst from the trees opposite, a massive two-handed sword at the ready. The creature immediately began hacking away at the pink and blue pests.

"Come on, humans!" It cried. We looked about a bit before realizing it was talking to us. "Don't just stand there!"

Moon and I looked at each other, before returning to the fight. With the aid of the new arrival we made short work of the unicorns and within a few minutes the last one was fleeing into the forest. Wiping the sweat from my brow, I looked up at our mysterious aid and was surprised to see that it was General Oreius.

"Oreius?" Moon said, "What are you doing here?"

"I heard the commotion," the centaur explained, "And decided to see what it was. I arrived at a good time, yes?"

We both nodded. "But General," I said, "Shouldn't you be at the Cair."

He sighed, "I am ashamed to say I am a General no more. When the Kings were married to those things, I could not in good conscience remain in the army."

"Why ever not?"

"My duty is to protect Narnia. It is clear to me that those new queens are the biggest threat to my home. Besides," he shivered a little bit, "when they first met me those two creatures tried to ride me and plait my tail with ribbons."

I paled. Nobody in their right mind would try to ride a centaur, to say nothing of the ribbons... "So what did you do?"

"I fled the Cair with my most loyal soldiers and having been in hiding ever since."

Moon's face brightened at the prospect of a centaur-army. "How many of you are there?"

Oreius breathed out, "There can be no more than fifteen or twenty of us."

Moon smiled, "Oreius," she said, "Aslan himself sent Steward and I to rid Narnia of these Sues. Would you be willing to help us?"

Orieus smiled for the first time, "I would be more than willing," he turned and trotted with quiet majesty back towards the trees. "Follow me and I will take you our hideout."

Moon and I looked at each other and laughed. Things were definitely beginning to look up.

Back at the Cair however, Melissa and Jenna were far from happy, "What do you mean they ESCAPED?!?!!!!!!!!!" Jenna screamed. A nervous-looking unicorn shivered at her feet.

"A centaur appeared, your majesty," the unicorn explained, "He and the humans killed my brethren. I was lucky to escape."

"Oreos," Melissa snarled, "or watever his name was. i knew that no-good horsie was up to something."

As the unicorn left the hall, Jenna turned to her friend, "So what do we do now?"

Melissa shrugged, "so they got some help. We still have liek a whole kingdom. Theyll be stopped soon enough." She got to her feet. "Im going to speak to the authoress. Maybe she has a solution." With that she walked out of the room and with a flash of pink light, she disappeared.

In a side dimension outside of time, a girl of about fifteen with long blonde hair sat, typing away. There was another pink flash and Melissa appeared in the room.

"Authoress," she said, "There has been a…development."

The girl looked up, "I know that," she said, "But do not worry. I have it in hand," she waved her hand, "Just go back and keep those Kings quiet. I will handle these cannon freaks."

"Yes, my lady," Melissa said, before vanishing with another pink flash.

Staring at her laptop, the girl rubbed her hands together, "The poor fools," she muttered, "they won't know what hit them."

_**So Moon and I spent that night in the company of Oreius and his rebels, unaware of how big the mess we were now involved in was**__**.**_

* * *

Please Review. It helps me improve.


	3. Why it doesn't pay to underestimate Sues

Authors Note: The estate of CS Lewis own Narnia, Waldern Media own Orieus, JealousOfTheMoon owns herself. I own everything else. Thanks to Moon for another brilliant editing job.

Sorry this has been a while in coming. I got caught up in NaNoWriMo and school and poetry and some really messy personal stuff. But with Christmas coming up I'll try to get another chapter to you soon.

Enjoy

**Why it doesn't pay to underestimate Sues**

**_Somewhere outside of time/space…_**

**_Right. Before I begin this recap I should warn you. It involves flashing lights and swirling shapes. Those of you with epilepsy should step outside. Thank you. So, is everyone ready? Moon. Run the tape._**

**_Diary of a Relatively Sane Author _**

**_So Moon and I found ourselves in a Narnia that not only looked like there had been an explosion at Barbie's Happy Play Palace but one that was ruled by a pair of the dumbest yet most powerful Sues we had ever encountered. _**

**_So after collecting supplies from Mr Tumnus (and two incredible annoyed Queens) we set out. However shortly afterwards we were set upon by a heard (is heard the right word?) of sue possessed unicorns. Fortunately the arrival of General Oreius meant that we now had some much needed back up._**

**_Okay folks. Those of you outside can come back in now._**

* * *

Moon and I followed Oreius through the forest until we eventually reached his camp. There we found a small gaggle (another good word that isn't used enough) of stern looking Centaurs, Fauns, Satyrs and dwarves.

"Why are there so few of you?" Moon asked. "Where's the rest of the army?"

"You've never met these Queens, have you?" Oreius asked.

I shook my head. "Well, not these particular ones. We've met some like them though."

"Well, they're very," Oreius paused, as if he was searching for a way not to compliment them. "Charming," he said at last, "Unnaturally so. Most Narnians are besotted with them after one glance."

"Then why aren't you?"

"It's hard to be besotted," a Dwarf said, "With people who treat you like a baby."

"Or call you goat boy," cried a Satyr. "And won't talk to you without bleating."

"Or try to use something called a curling iron on your tail," said a faun. His own was bandaged and quite a few of the hairs 'round his horns looked singed as well.

"They don't like you, then?" Moon asked

Oreius shook his head, "They only like humans or cute animals. They cemented up the badgers burrows because they thought they were 'Weird.'"

"Except for Snuffle," the Dwarf pointed out. Several people sighed sadly, and a few moaned things like "Woe! Poor Snuffle."

"What happened to Snuffle?" I asked

"He spoke out," the dwarf replied. "Said these Queens were destroying Narnia. So they painted him pink and keep him in a cage in the throne room."

I could see Moon fingering the Morningstar she was carrying and breathing rather heavily, "We'll sort it." I said in an undertone. "Just try and keep calm."

"What can you hope to do?" the Dwarf asked, "No offence, but your only children."

"We may be young," I said, "But we have experience. Between the two of us, we've seen and destroyed every type of Sue in existence."

"Except for Villain Sues" Moon pointed out

"But they're rare," I replied, "Like a green unicorn."

She cocked an eyebrow and coughed,

"What?"

"Petraverd? Siberian Christmas?"

"Oh yeah," I mumbled, "Okay. Pink unicorns."

She coughed again.

"What now?"

"What just happened?" she asked miming hitting things

I sighed, "Fine. How about 'They're as rare as a Turquoise Phoenix'"

Moon nodded, "That'll do." She paused. "Or you could just stick to 'blue moon.'"

* * *

There was a cough from behind us, and turning we found Oreius and the Dwarf staring at us quizzically, "Are you quite finished?"

"Sorry," we mumbled

"Right," Oreius said, "I think it would be best if you stayed here for a day or two. We can come up with a proper strategy."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Moon beat me to it, "Thank you, Oreius. But I think it would be best if we did this alone."

Oreius nodded solemnly, "If you think that is for the best. I will give you as many supplies as I can, and … may I ask you to take a guide?"

Moon and I glanced at each other and shrugged. "Of course."

He turned to the Dwarf, "Blagmire. Would you be willing to show these two people to the Cair?"

The Dwarf nodded before turning to us, "Be ready by sundown," he barked before stumping off.

"He's a ray of sunshine, isn't he?" I mumbled.

Moon simply rolled her eyes.

Miles away, in the pink halls of Cair Paravel, Melissa and Jenna sat plotting. Or their version of plotting which involved sitting on their thrones with what they imagined was a thoughtful look on their face (it was actually more of a pout). Real plotting was beyond them of course since it required actual _thought _– which, as everybody knows, no Sue is capable of accomplishing.

"So what shall we liek do!!!" Jenna said after about five seconds, "I mean, liek, even the pink sparklies didn't wrk – our own unis!"

Melissa waved a perfectly manicured hand imperiously. "Dont worry. I talked to teh authoress liek earlier and she told me what we had to do."

"wat?"

"Well we haev 2 go outsid 1st."

Jenna recoiled, "But their are liek living things out theyre. Icky, ewwy, groooooss things."

Melissa patted her hand, "I know I know. And it'll totally ruin our outfits." She surveyed her own (surprisingly) pink ensemble with satisfaction and a twinge of regret. "But the plans really kewl."

Jenna sighed, "What is it then?"

Melissa leaned in close and whispered to her friend. When she had finished Jenna recoiled and broke into a cackle of laughter, "Thats liek yay!" she crowed, "sweet."

Over the next few days, Moon, Blagmire and I travelled mostly at night and slept during the day. We discovered however, that even at night Narnia was not free of the Suefluence. The owls hooted popular pop tunes and the stars and the moon shone pink.

"Guess you could've used blue moon. I cannot wait to get this sorted," Moon said bitterly as we made camp.

"Oh, I don't know," I said flopping down onto grass, "There are some advantages."

"Such as?"

"The ground is nice and soft. At least I won't come out of this with back trouble."

"Hmmph," Moon replied collapsing onto her own bed roll, "I prefer hard ground for sleeping, but at least you're happy. I say, the sooner we get this put right, the better."

"Right as always," I said before I went to sleep.

* * *

A little while later, I was woken by the sound of weeping. Rubbing my eyes I looked up and a little way stood a girl. But it was a girl made of wood, "A Dryad," I whispered. Shaking Moon awake, I pointed "Look," I said quietly.

"A Dryad," she whispered excitedly. "But what's the matter with her? Maybe it's just a dewfall."

"I'm fairly certain those are dryad tears," I replied. "I suspect dew comes down pink in this place. Let's find out." Creeping over I crouched down in front of her, "Excuse me," I said, "Can we help."

She looked up, "Are you here to rid us of those horrible queens?"

Moon nodded. We are. Is that what's the matter?"

The Dryad pointed behind her, "People came to my grove. They want to cut it down to build something called a sauna."

Moon leapt to her feet and grabbed her Morningstar, "You coming sometime today, Stew?" she called running the way the dryad had pointed.

Grabbing my sword, I bolted after her. But after a few feet I was forced to stop when she stopped suddenly and I once again ran into her. "What's up?" I asked. Silently she pointed in front of her, "Oh," I muttered

There were the two Kings with their swords drawn. Next to them were two preppy looking blondes and surrounding this group were a gaggle of angry looking animals, all wearing varying degrees of silly expressions on their decidedly cute and pinkified faces. "Oh," I said again.

"Hello," one of the blondes said sweetly. Her voice was like an out-of-tune violin wielded by a six year old with an over-anxious bow. "How nice of you to drop by."

"Youve been very bad," the other said. She could not have spoken less sweetly by using her false nails to scrape out morse code on a chalkboard. "Trying to get rid of us. But we have you now."

"But the Dryad," I said confused.

"Witch-hazel did very well didn't she," the first blonde said as the Dryad slipped forward , "I think we'll make her an actress when we start our TV station"

"A trap then?" Moon asked. I was still stuck on the line about the TV station. I reckoned it wouldn't look much like Masterpiece Theatre.

The second blonde laughed, "Oh you're a smart one. I don't like you." I fancied Moon was about to say "that makes two of us," but the 'Sue flicked her hand at us. There were sparkles and the over sugared scent of mint, and then the world turned black

When I came round, I was sitting in a stone walled room, "Where am I?" I muttered

"The dungeon of Cair Paravel," Moon replied from my left.

"Since when does Cair Paravel have a dungeon?"

"Since a week last Tuesday," Moon said gesturing to the cell door where a very pleased looking Jackdaw sat, "The jailor is quite chatty."

"So you're awake," a voice cooed as the two blondes swept into the room, "Good. Wouldn't want you to miss all the fun."

"Fun?" Moon asked icily. She could have kept the Witch's castle frozen in a summer thaw with that tone.

"Oh yes," the first blonde said as two fierce looking Dryads made us stand up, "The authoress wants to meet you."

The second blonde waved her hand and a swirling black and white portal opened up. "A pan dimensional vortex," I said, "Spiffy."

"Spaceman," Moon muttered. Apparently getting kidnapped by 'Sues and locked in a dungeon that smelled of rancid cotton candy made her irritable. Huh.

"Whatever," the second blonde said, gesturing to the Dryads.

A few seconds later Moon and I found ourselves hurtling head first through the vortex on the way to a meeting with the authoress—whoever she may be.

**_So there you go kids. Moon and I are in real trouble now, aren't we? Tune in for the next instalment to find out what happens. Oh and because we wish to promote education, the lesson to be learnt from the chapter is never trust a Dryad till you know what tree they come from. Remember that. There'll be a test later._**

* * *

Please Review. It helps me improve.


	4. Meeting the Authoress

Authors Note: As usual CS Lewis Estate owns Narnia. JealousOfTheMoon owns herself and I own everything else.

Quite a short chapter (I wrote it in about an hour last night) but very important to the storyline.

Enjoy

**Meeting the Authoress**

**_Diary of a Relatively Sane Author _**

**_So things weren't going well for Moon and I. In fact, "things weren't going well" is a bit of an understatement. To put it plainly and succinctly, things were going very badly indeed._**

**_You see, despite being Sue destroyers of many years standing with thousands of successful missions under our belt, it appeared we did have one fatal flaw. We didn't like to think ill of a Narnian citizen. So it was that a particularly sneaky dryad was able to pull us into a trap. Now Moon and I were hurtling down a space/time vortex on our way to meet the mysterious Authoress. And we didn't even get an in-flight packet of peanuts._**

**_Any of you want to switch places?  
_**

**_Didn't think so._**

* * *

"Looks like there's a time dilation effect within this vortex," I said as we hurtled head first through it. "It seems to be—"

"Not the time, Spaceman," Moon replied, a very grumpy look on her face. "I am prone to motion sickness, and you rattling on about vortexes and genetic matrices is _not_ at all calming."

"Sorry," I muttered, "Just thought it would lighten the mood. Besides it actually helps—though not with the motion sickness."

"How so?"

"Gives us time to plan how we're going to get out of here."

"I don't think we're going to, Stew," Moon replied. Suddenly her face broke into a smile. "But, you know—that might not be such a bad thing."

"Why?"

"Remember what you said two chapters back?" Moon asked. When I shook my head, she sighed and waved her hand. Immediately we experienced a flashback (which is kinda like time travel except you can't affect anything and everything is in black and white).

"_I know that," I replied, "but the point is: how were they able to do all that? A Sue is only as powerful as the 'author' makes them. It would take a very smart author to contrive and enforce a plot as radically different from canon as this."_

_"But 'Sue authors aren't smart—" A look of realisation crept over Moon's face. "Hey! If they aren't smart, then—?" _

_"Exactly," I said, smiling, "They have the brain capacity of a gnat, which explains the bad spelling and the constant misuse of grammar but leaves the question: where did these two Sues find an author smart enough to get a story to this conclusion without some like you, or I, or Lady of Stormness Mountain finding it and shutting it down?"_

_Moon's face turned serious as she pondered this. "We'll ask them," she said. "Right before we tear their heads off._

"Oh, that," I muttered. For a moment, I mourned the poor quality of the flashback – it was rather grainy and pixelated. Then my brain caught up. "You mean…?"

Moon nodded (or tried too. Hard to nod when your hurtling head first through a vortex. What she wound up managing was an awkward sort of jerk that resembled a demented chicken's assent. I did not remark on this, however.) "Clearly this Authoress is the real power behind these Sues. Stop her—"

"And we can stop them and go home," I finished. "Brilliant."

_**

* * *

**_

_**Unfortunately it wasn't as easy as it seemed…**_

A few minutes (or it might have been a few hours) later we landed with a bump in what appeared to be a bedroom. It was entirely pink. The lampshades, the bedspreads the walls…everything was pink. Even the laptop on the desk was pink. (And by 'pink' I mean not a nice pink, but a horrible, nauseating, sear-your-eyes pink.)

"Who decorated this place," I muttered "Paris Hilton?" Moon groaned from behind me and I span round to find her holding a book at arm's length. It was covered in pink paper and had something scrawled across the front in an abominable hand.

"What is it?" I asked.

"The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," she muttered, flicking through it gingerly. She seemed to be trying to touch each page as little as possible. I could not blame her. "But she's made her own…..additions."

I took it from her and sitting on the (very) edge of the bed I flicked through it. Through out the whole book she had removed Susan's name and added her own. And at the end she had stuck a hand written extra chapter in which she and Peter were married, "That's," I began, "that's…" I stopped speechless.

Wordlessly, Moon took the book from me and hurled it out the window. It took a few frilly curtains with it. "Well, at least we know what we're up against," she muttered.

"What?"

"The worst kind of Suethor: a blatantly delusional one."

"Aren't they all?" I wondered.

Before she could say anything more, there was a cough from behind us and turning we saw a tall blonde of about fifteen with a smug look of superiority on her face. She snorted disdainfully. "You'll be those Cannon Freaks who've been giving my charries trouble."

Moon nodded, "And you would be Melissa? Or is it Jenna?"

"Melissa," the girl replied, "But you can call me the Authoress." Then she began to laugh. But it wasn't the sort of laugh you would expect from a fifteen year old blonde. Oh no. It sent shivers down my spine. It was a sort of evil guffaw combined with nails down a chalkboard.

"Well," I said when she had finished. "If you know who we are, you must know what we have to do." I made to reach for the pink lamp but found I couldn't move.

"Oh no," the Authoress said, "You're in my realm now. I hold all the Aces."

"Joy," Moon muttered, "An intelligent Suethor. Just what we need."

"Of course I'm intelligent," the Authoress shot back, "You don't think I'd have been able to concoct this sort of plan if I was stupid."

"We assumed you'd just got lucky," I replied. The minute the words left my mouth I knew it had been a mistake. The Authoress face turned dark and if looks could kill both Moon and I would have been in serious trouble.

"Shut up," she hissed before flicking her hand. Instantly the world got really dark again.

* * *

When I came round, I sighed, "Is it a bad thing I'm getting used to this?" I asked no-one in particular.

"Probably," Moon said groggily, "But at least it proves we're on the right track."

"Not helping," I muttered. "Where are we anyway?"

"Beats me," Moon replied. "I just hope it's not another dungeon."

"You're in my den," came the voice of the Authoress as the lights flicked on.

I whistled, "Some den." The room was massive. About half the size of a football pitch, banks of monitors covered every wall and there were several laptops and discarded note books littering the tables

"Very nice," Moon said.

The Authoress smiled coldly, "Amazing what you can do with access to extra dimensional space." She collapsed into a chair and began tapping the table. "Now …what to do with the pair of you…"

"Excuse me," I said, "I think you'll find there's a program for this."

"A program?" the Authoress asked. As intelligent as she was, even she had never heard of The Program. I was astounded.

Moon nodded, "First, you have to capture us. Which you've done, in case you haven't noticed."

"Then you gloat over us," I continued, "Which you've also done already, but not enough to carry onto the next stage."

"The next stage is where, after a sufficient amount of gloating, you reveal your plan in minute detail. Then you put us in a death trap or otherwise send us to fate worse than death." Moon explained.

"But we escape at the last minute and foil your plan completely, before proceeding onto the victory party held at the British embassy."

Moon rolled her eyes. "I don't think the last bit is necessary."

"Which bit," I asked, "The escaping and foiling or the party?"

"Of course the escaping and foiling is necessary. I meant the party."

This alarmed me to no end. "But I like the party!" I protested. "They have sausages on sticks."

"If we survive this, we'll think about the party, okay?" Moon soothed patronizingly.

"Okay," I said sullenly.

"Have the pair of you finished yet?" the Authoress demanded.

"Just," I said, bouncing out of my sullen mood suddenly. "So now do you understand?"

"Do I have to follow this program?" she asked.

"Oh yes," I said, "It's a vital part of the whole system."

"You know what," the Authoress said standing up, "I think I'm going to skip the first part and move on to the 'fate worse than death' part."

"You can't do that," Moon objected, "There's a system."

The Authoress rolled her eyes. "I'm the bad guy, remember? I don't have to stick to systems. I make my own rules."

* * *

"So you're going to condemn us to a fate worse than death," I said.

She nodded, "A particularly nasty one."

"Care to tell us what it is?" Moon asked, "Just so we can get prepared." _And foil you,_ I thought.

"I'm going to cast you into another fandom for the rest of eternity," the Authoress replied, "I'm thinking…Twilight."

Moon and I both gasped. "You wouldn't do that." We burst simultaneously.

She shrugged, "Why not? I think it would be the perfect place for you to see me take over your beloved fandoms… one by one." She laughed, "Oh yes, Narnia is just the start, and there will be nothing you can do about it."

Moon and I looked at each other with no small amount of alarm. "You can't do that. We won't let you." Moon said furiously.

"Oh I will and as I said. There will be nothing you can do. But before you go, there is one last thing." She snapped her fingers and a group of blondes trooped out of a side door carrying various items of the make up and spa kind.

"What are you planning to do?" There was a quaver in Moon's voice, and I thought both she and I already knew the answer before the Suethor responded.

"Give you a make over, of course," she said before laughing again. "Goodness knows you both need one."

* * *

So there you have it, boys and girls. Moon and I are about to be sent into an eternity in another fandom—and what a fandom!—but not before being given the make over of a lifetime. And this time…there's no way out.

**_Anyone want to swap places now?_**

_**…Anyone?**_

* * *

Please Review. It helps me improve


End file.
